Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Men and Cheating!

Have you ever wondered why men cheat?
It’s in His Genes

Men have higher levels of testosterone. This hormone, which also causes risky behavior and increased levels of violence in men, “influences” guys to cheat .Now, this isn’t an excuse – don’t try telling your girlfriend or wife that it was the testosterone that made you do it – it’s just a scientific fact that makes it harder for men to keep their hands to themselves. Essentially, it shouldn’t take a lot of willpower for men to stay loyal; it isn’t like the testosterone is whispering, “Sleep with the cute blonde girl now!” Rather, this hormone only acts as a fuel – the man holds the keys.

He Needs Sexual Fulfilment

Many men turn to infidelity when they aren’t being fulfilled in the bedroom Sure, it sounds like a pretty shallow reason for seeking another woman’s company, but sex (or lack thereof) can be a deal breaker for many men. Maintaining a healthy sex life is an integral part of any relationship, and it can definitely keep a man’s eyes from wandering. But, once again, it’s important to keep in mind that going a few days or weeks without any sex is not an excuse to go cheat on your woman.

He Needs an Ego Boost

Men like feeling powerful and in control, and it’s possible that they feel empowered when they have multiple sexual partners. Most guys also like feeling accomplished and successful, and they’re more inclined to start a romance with women who give them confidence. This might explain why 40% of men find their “cheating partners” at work. Regardless, this ego boost can encourage men to continue with their sexual indiscretion. Now, it takes a pretty insecure man to be unfaithful just because it helps his confidence; self-assurance should be gained from within. ...

 He Doesn’t Love Her

This is the true, underlying cause for many cases of infidelity. If you aren’t really feeling the spark, then why are you together? Love is the glue that holds the relationship together. Without it, there isn’t much keeping men (and women) from doing things that may harm one another. The respect, faithfulness, and honesty that come with love may disappear when trust is broken, but if the love was never present (or if it has faded away) then men are more likely to cheat without remorse. For the sake of the relationship, it’s important to make sure that both people are feeling the love before they decide to get serious.

He’s doing it for Revenge

Maybe his girlfriend or wife cheated on him, and the only way he can get over it is to do the same thing she did to him…it’s missing a bit of logic, but it’s a plausible scenario. After all, some men just aren’t very good at expressing their feelings. Of course, the first step would be to communicate with his unfaithful partner.

Regardless of the reasons listed above, cheating isn’t likely to solve any of the underlying problems in a relationship. Along with that, cheating goes against the fundamental trust required of any fulfilling relationship. When sexual indiscretion takes place, the relationship takes a huge hit to the core, sometimes destroying the trust, honesty, and love that were once intrinsic to it. So, if you find yourself considering cheating, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship – not just for your own sake, but also for the sake of your partner.

Talk to your partner!

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Ending Female Genital Mutilation and the Challenges

I read with regret about how some FGM activists have been attacked in their campaign against FGM. Unfortunately these are some of the challenges that we have to face. Just one piece of advice. I am African and I know how challenging it is to change a mind-set. A colleague mentioned the use of a telephone number here in the UK which could give support. However those who are working with communities abroad will need more than a UK telephone number. So I thought of ways to approach people.
 Nothing new but they are worth remembering. There is no doubt that it is a violent crime so why then are people being attacked for wanting to put an end to it? Part of it is because people don’t know any better. I have come to the conclusion that FGM has been an untouchable area for charities and so forth because for many it seemed like attacking a people’s culture. And those communities where FGM is practised have led people to believe that it is a culture, with most of these practising countries being former colonies of Western countries (which had experienced criticisms of their indigenous cultures and behaviours). As a result, there may be a tendency for local people to be defensive, even when they know the practice is wrong. It’s all very well talking about FGM and writing about it but people also need strategies that work. What might have worked in one community might not necessarily work for another and this should be remembered.

Also sometimes people forget the local people and how important they are.  I remember when I was young; there were communities that resisted immunisation. When health officials went there with their mobile clinic, they found a ghost city waiting for them. All the children had been hidden and a few adults waited to explain that they did not want anybody attacking their culture. ‘Culture’ does not justify violence. Some people from FGM communities see any involvement by outsiders as an attack and would oppose anyone who said otherwise, which why the method by which we approach people and whether they can feel they can trust us makes a difference in people’s attitude. For the example above of people who resisted immunising their kids, it was by making people involved understand the risks involved that worked rather than a confrontation.

How was this achieved?

·         Dealing with the senior people of the community rather than with individuals

·         Bribing people ( Even during slave trade, wealthy landowners had to be paid off in order to release their slaves) Sometimes small favours can get someone’s attention even if it’s just to make them listen.

·         Listen to people’s views. - No good doing the talking without giving the FGM practising community leaders an ear. Let’s remember, in these communities there is stigma associated with whichever way things go. Those circumcised are laughed at and those who are not are made to feel small, so it is best to listen and listen well. Oxfam, in it’s approach in helping communities realised that it works better to empower the locals than impose.

·         Knowing when to stop. I have seen people trying so hard to make people understand reason, but if one pushes more than the other person can take, it can be all in vain as people are by nature defensive to criticism.

·         Just keeping things simply- In the case of immunisation, the people involved with the project used all sorts of tools including rag dolls to illustrate the dangers of the consequences. Slowly people began to understand. People like circumcisers in many FGM practising communities are not educated, and would need more than an English written document to understand and accept

·         Making sure the communication and the message being relayed is what the other person thinks it is. This can be achieved by getting a balance by understanding people and communities and their background. Writing a piece of paper in a room or hotel somewhere without the understanding of a people could be seen as an attack. Culture whether good or bad with a capital C is central to the existence of many communities especially African. But it can be this culture that enslaves. Making those from the culture understand, will need perseverance and understanding from activists.

·         I would also suggest it may be better for people to know and understand something of a community before approaching them.  Dr Ann Marie Wilson –Director of the charity 28Too Many visited some of the FGM practising communities in Africa and the Middle East just to be able to understand better without hypothesizing.

·         Just work with others rather than being individualistic. This is a global problem and making it a one man band does not work. Remember these people have been practising FGM for years and to them it is normal. There needs to be more than one person working in a community.

As I pointed out before , saying something is not right within a community is not the same as attacking a country or people but like any community anywhere in the world it is necessary to weed out from time to time the evil and harmful practices. Like any cultural war there are bound to be criticisms and attacks but we have gone too far to let those attackers win. The battle continues, No to FGM.

And to those girls and women who have lost hope, read what happened to the brave girls who were thrown into this horrific practice at the age of 12 and had to think survival in my book ''A Lost Youth''.

A Lost Youth( a book on FGM)is available on Amazon if you want to purchase. I will be donating some copies to charities.


Wednesday, 8 May 2013

A lost Youth and the Curse of Female Genital Mutilation

‘’I am 9 years old and I have just heard mummy talking to an elderly woman.’’ You have to take her now. We can’t wait any longer for her to be circumcised. She is ready.’’

At first I thought I was dreaming. My mother was going to have me circumcised. I was curious but scared. From what I had heard, it was a painful procedure. I was going to run away. She was circumcised I know but she was told to swear not to tell anybody. My sister didn’t disappoint. She didn’t even try to give me a clue as to what actually went on. I had asked her several times but all she had in response were her tears.  I had my suspicions, the long time she took in the toilet, the teary eyes afterward visiting the toilet and the withdrawal from all the things she used to enjoy said it all.  Something was not right. She was never the same after being genitally mutilated. With all that in mind I thought of myself and for once decided to take things into my own hands. I was not going to wait around and find out on the day. I was going to run away but where was I to go?’’ Sinha, before she was circumcised.

 To get more on the subject told through those who have actually gone through female genital mutilation, follow link for a book ‘’ A lost Youth’’,

 Be informed and help end the crime against women and girls